Lonely

I’ve not felt this lonely since I left Sweden to move across the sea to be with the man I love.. 9 years ago.

I remember the day I got here vividly. It was actually sunny that day in May 2007. It was lovely for the first two weeks. Then it stated raining… For 3 months straight. I wanted to go back home to Sweden. I cried so much because we usually had nice summers. I wasn’t used to the wet wet rain over here.. (I really can’t explain the wet rain you guys have here.. I know all rain is wet, but this is something else.)

I didn’t go back home… I stuck through it all. It’s not been easy living here. Not only because my entire family were back in Sweden, but I didn’t feel I belonged here.

From day one I’ve felt the hatred against migrants like myself. Not from everyone, of course not, but there are quite a lot of them.
When I ask people why do you dislike them so much, most answer by saying something like “they take our benefits/jobs etc”… I then say, but you’re on benefits and the answer is usually “I’m English it’s okay for me,it’s my right”… Okay then….

I’ve met so many people who blame the immigrants for the changes in benefits.. When it’s their own greedy, lazy attitude that caused it in the first place. I’ve never once abused the system. I never once signed on. I had a job 2 weeks from moving over here. I brought enough money to ensure I wouldn’t have to rely on the government.

And why would I come to England to claim benefits when I’ve lived all my life in Sweden where life was pretty good?

I came from Sweden not to take your jobs or your benefits. I came for love.. I met the love of my life and he didn’t want to leave England at that time..

I could go on forever about this..

Yesterday morning when Adam woke me up and said “We’ve left the EU” my heart sank.. I cried for hours before I went to work.

All over social media people are gloating how they’re taking back their country. It was never anyone else’s… You’re saying pack your bags and good bye, you’re not welcome anymore…

I deleted quite a few so called friends off Facebook and other social media after that..

I feel scared for the future. My future, my other half’s and my daughters. I wanted her to have the choice to travel and see what I’ve seen. Give her a chance to live and love wherever she wants. I’m not saying that won’t be possible.. We don’t know what this means.. I’m just writing because I haven’t got anyone to speak to about this right now.. I feel extremely lonely right about now..

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Mommy life

I’m going to write a lot about mommy life and my daughter eventually.
The story is very long and complicated however. I don’t want this blog to be all about that, the complicated part as I’ve written about that in the past and this blog is all about new beginnings.
It is however a big part of ME and who I am now.

So for now, I will try and summarise it. Our daughter was very wanted. For years. It’s so easy for some people to “fall” pregnant, some don’t even want it, just “happens”. Well it never f-ing happened to us. Not once in many years, so I knew something wasn’t right. So we got referred many moons ago and after all the tests, it was clear we would need “help” to bring a child into the world. It was heartbreaking knowing that we might never have a child of our own. Those first years were the toughest, being around other people’s kids and people saying “you would be such a good mommy” oh jeez thanks….

Fast forward.. Our first go was a disaster, it was a long protocol and it failed, both the fresh go and the frozen embryo transfers we had after.

Every time it failed we travelled with the money we had saved for our child. I was so naive that first cycle, thinking it would work every time. Each big fat negative (BFN) took a piece of my heart with it.. I was ready to give up after our first go. My partner wouldn’t however. We took a break and travelled a lot the year before our 2nd and last free go with the NHS. We had an amazing trip planned for the BFN as I was adamant it would not work again. Dubai and Tokyo. I had it all planned, bought the books and had the hotels ready to pay for when the test was done.

Our 2nd go was different, they had changed the protocol. It was a shorter one this time, I’m not going to share the feelings around the needles and endless tests. We went back to Sweden for the 2 week wait (you have to wait 2 weeks before you can take the test) ours was 18 days.. I couldn’t sleep on the day I was going to test, sneaked out of my old childhood room, but my partner was awake as he too was nervous about me taking the test. I got back to the room and he was staring at me saying “so”? And I just said “We’re not going to Tokyo”. We finally had our big fat positive (BFP)…

I will continue this another time.

Karolina

Here we go…

I used to be an avid blog writer many years back. What happened? I’m not entirely sure.

Part of it was my new job back then, where I was unable to go online as freely as in the past. Didn’t have enough spare time to write. I also lost the will to write, which I never imagined would happen. Still trying to find the hunger I used to have back then.

I’m not writing for anyone but myself. It will be my way of expressing the feelings and thoughts I might have at the time.

A quick background about me.

I am 34 years old, I live in Manchester England with my partner and our daughter.
Originally I’m from Stockholm, Sweden, but my parents are from Bosnia and deep down I class myself as Bosnian Swedish. That’s a story for another day.

Met my partner 9 years ago and moved over here (will write about that too haha).

I love to read books, any types of books. My favourites are crime however.

Travelling is the thing we love the most in our family and USA is the destination we find ourselves going back to year after year.

That’s a quick intro to ME. I will write more later.

Karolina

(My old blog can be found here karrociri.blogg.se )